Just today, 22/07/08,the Drama of History actors were chatting after our practice today. We first talked about ghosts stories, then after that we tried to go to the 4th floor of innosphere to see what Yiliang said was right (something about a ghost or weird feeling). I went there with Yiliang first, then I stepped in. It was seriously eerie, but I dared to go into the chamber. The first thought was: Oh my shit, what did I do!!! What the hell, this fucking feels like hell, get me out or something!!! But I couldn't cry that out. I was too overwhelmed by emotions to talked about anything. I ventured forward. It feels real crazy there. Craziness in silence. You can practically here the world whirling over and inside you. I started panting. I felt damn tired. Sooner or later I was gasping into a fit. Then I just came back to my senses, but still wrecked. I tried to meditate, but I couldn't calm myself properly. It was only after Yiliang off the lights was I seriously wrecked up. I was feeling sick and dizzy. That wasn't a joke at all.
I can't imagine how many people just hate or dislike me now. Like, the latest post I see was a fucking sacarstic remark about me. It is not my fault. IT IS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT THAT I WANT TO BE THIS WAY!!! I don't know why, why fucking idiots want to put me down like this. All for a little freedom of expression and people kill me. People throw their tantrums at me, people say sacarstic things to me, people tease me about everything, but I laugh it off. What else can I do? I can't find a person whom I can really trust in, not even myself. I tell myself that to meditate, things will go off quickly, but I cannot bring myself to the fact that I am still living in this second. I say, all things are ephemeral, but the reality is still hitting my face, fucking hard. I live every day being called a flirt, called a flirt, renowned a flirt. But I laugh it off. I can't make more enemies or people who just simply hate me. I cannot.
I will go insane
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